Forever Changed and Forever Undead
by unlikecasey
Summary: Bella's suffered a fatal crash, and has created quite a strain on her and Edward's relationship. Will they make it through this rough patch together? Or will he find love elsewhere? How will Charlie react when an unexpected guest shows up at his doorstep?
1. Newfound Life

Bella is a vampire already. She lives with Charlie. Bella and Edward are engaged. Post life-changing accident. It's a spoof on fan fiction-if you may.  
Enjoy, and feel free to flame and blaze me with hate and criticism if you dislike it.

--**Bella's House**--

"Hello?"  
Edward called from the porch of Bella's house. He stepped inside. There was an unmistakable smell coming from the kitchen. Just then he heard a quick

"I'm in here!" from Bella in the kitchen.

As usual, Bella was making some sort of disgusting microwaved crap in the kitchen. The whole house smelled of it. He wondered why she still prepared the food she did not eat.  
They met by the door. They embraced. Like always.

"Hello Bella."

"Hey, Edward! You caught me in the middle of making Charlie's dinner."

"I could smell it when I walked in the door."

"Did you miss me?" she inquired with false curiosity.

"Oh, I've missed you deeply, you dearly, dearie, dear weirdo."

Bella smiled in ignorance and slight amusement at the comment. She, for no apparent reason, adored the way he called her "weirdo". Perhaps it was because the being called 'weirdo' was better than some of the _other_ names he had taken a fancy to calling her. Lately, at least.  
As the day would grow on however this statement would grow less and less true.

Clearly excited Edward said to her,  
"Guess what doll?!"

Then Edwards face dropped at the sight of her pants. They were a rich scarlet, and on them he could see the mess she had made earlier that day.

"What?" Bella exclaimed.

Edwards face tensed up a bit. "_Jacob_" he thought angrily.  
"Oh, nothing. Never mind" he lied to her.

"What?"

"No, nothing."

"No, just tell me what you were going to say."

"No nothing. Just drop it."

"What? Why won't you tell me?! Why are you hiding these things from me like this?!"  
Bella was clearly growing distressed. She was so moody lately, ever since the accident.

"Nothing. Just be quiet okay? It's going to upset you that I've noticed this." He said aloud. It was sure upsetting him.  
It was already beginning. Her annoying stupidity was growing.

"I promise not to get both sad and mad." She said, trying to cover up her distressing with simplistic words and silly requests.

"No, I don't want risk insulting you and I don't want you to get upset by this. Please dear, it doesn't matter, just be quiet. It's not important anyway. Just be sure to wash you pants."

"JUST TELL ME EDWARD!!" she began to let out a frustrated sob.

"JUST DROP IT BITCH!" Edward shouted. He didn't like shouting at her, but Bella can be SO incredibly annoying. And since he had had a hard morning arguing with Emmett over where to hunt and what for (Emmett can be so stubborn when it comes to his bears), he was already on his last straw and it was only 2:33 in the afternoon.

Bella dropped her pants in confusion.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He then sighed. Bella, his once souls mate, was now the source of his recent aggravation.

Bella cried. "I hate you! You're a meanie pants who doesn't tell me _anything_! You're so concealed and conceited because of you in your mind-reading mind! and now I'm not wearing any pants!" She was so whiney! It was getting worse and worse everyday and makes absolutely no sense. She was moody, and dull and irrational. Truly, an emotional wreck. She went to run upstairs, but decided aganist it. She just stood there in her emotional mess and sobbed some more.

"ALRIGHT. OKAY. FINE. I WASN'T GONNA SAY IT, BUT NOW I AM. BELLA YOU HAVE SOME VOMIT ON YOUR SKIRT!"

"w-what?"

"Vomit. Your skirt." He gestured to the mess on her lap.

Bella wept. Edward groaned. Ugh. How annoying the afternoon was turning out to be.

Bella was sleeping with _him_ again.  
She always vomited after she slept with _him_. It was just a habit-you know almost like biting your nails, well maybe not as minor as biting your nails but pretty close. Almost. It drove Edward crazy, them sleeping together. Edward was getting used to it by now, however it still drove him crazy to know that they had just done it without him. He could read Jacobs thoughts a mile away sometimes even two-but he had just come back from hunting from about 17 miles away-so he wouldn't have known-if not for the vomit now massacring his nose and positioned on to Bella's scarlet colored pants. Her fashion choices were becoming more and more horrendous-after all, she was dressing _herself _now.

Just then, and for no apparent or logical reason, Alice magically popped her head into Bella's kitchen. She randomly spat out, "HI EVERYBODY! IT RAINS POPCORN IN HEAVEN!! SHOPPING IS FUN!! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!!" She then left, running in circles and out the door while manically laughing to herself. She ripped off all her clothing and ran for the woods. Edward and Bella watched from the kitchen window.

Suddenly, the door bell rang.  
Edward glanced out the window to see who it was.

Harry Clearwater. Back from the dead, and in his hands was a plate covered in tin foil.

Bella, being the ignorant fool she is called to her father upstairs-not realizing the man on their front porch was a zombie.

"Dad!"

"What?!" he cried back.

"Harry Clearwater is here! I think he has some of that fried fish you like!"

Bella was too stupid to realize Harry had been dead for nearly 6 months. She and Jacob had mourned together with Edward at her side; her father was a bit more prude and kept to himself in that time of sadness. He was still recovering from it and was getting over his grief little by little everyday.

"Mr. Clearwater is here!" Bella said in complete oblivion.

"Ohhkayy Bella!!" Bella was not to be taken seriously by anyone anymore. Just agreeing with her was Charlie's usual technique in dealing with her bizarre claims and silly shouting. But he was just responding, not putting any thought into his speech. But replaying her words in his head, he neglected to see that his lover was really dead and his delayed and illogical realization kicked in. Charlie's lover was here, at his home.

You could hear Charlie scrambling to get his bearings even from downstairs. Charlie often gets caught up cleaning his gun now a days. Damn chimpanzees are everywhere. Ever since the circus abandoned the chimp cart in Forks 6 weeks ago, Charlie has killed roughly 23 monkeys. He finds them in his car, the attic, and even, at the station. Sometimes he would lock them in the small jail cell there and practice his shooting. After all, live and moving targets are bound to improve your skill and Charlie was developing a blood lust. When he was done he would usually thrown them into peoples backyards, allowing them to rid of the body themselves. He would sometimes bring the corpses home for dinner too. Bella makes a tasty microwaved chimpanzee with mustard. Ah, those delicious damn annoying chimps. _Mmmm, the chimps_. He was caught up in his thoughts when Bella had called.  
This, plus his distraction to his lovers death had kept Charlie from hearing the door bell ring in the first place.

"OOOOOH MYYYY!!" Charlie eagerly expressed. He was so happy and very excited. Charlie, at the mention of his lover's name had quickly forgot that Harry Clearwater was dead.

Edward opened the door to the zombie that awaited Charlie. One of the mindless tasks he had picked up from Bella lately. He was beginning to believe her idiocy was contagious.

Clearwater was a ticked off zombie by now though, he had been waiting on the porch for nearly 8 minutes. He (Mr. SexyHarryPants) counted these things now that he was a mindless zombie. A mindless zombie is obsessed by not only brains, but time too. This, and love. A powerful love between two grown men can withstand death-on both ends of the string called life. Actually, such a love between two grown men can withstand just about anything.

"Charlie! My love," was the first thing the zombie managed to mutter out of his empty and lonesome lips.  
Harry dropped the fried fish from his hands on to the floor and rushed on towards his lover.  
Charlie, too much in love to realize his deeply missed love was no longer living, eagerly embraced Harry Clearwater and they shared a long, meaningfully romantic, and much awaited hug.

"I've missed you so much!" was the first thing Charlie said to his new zombie lover.

"I've been waiting for you" Charlie said in his oh-so-disturbing sexy voice "and I've got a surprise for you…"

Charlie backed up a bit and ripped off his clothing.

Beneath his uniform he wore a sparkly red man thong. He had been secretly wearing it under his clothing for months, and this was evident by the smell it wreaked of. He had worn it hoping that it would bring him luck and when his luck was granted, a little pleasure for the one he would share it with. The thong was present in countless clubs, bars, and blind dates, but it had not seen any action whatsoever.

Bella and Edward awkwardly shifted into the kitchen. Bella picked up the seemingly ruined fish off the floor. She would find something to do with it anyway. Maybe tuck it into her father's hot microwaved chimpanzee and mustard.

Edward in the mean time had figured a zombie wouldn't do much harm to Charlie. Although he could not read Harry Clearwater's mind (being that he no longer had a mind), the old fart couldn't be harmed much anyhow. He had a gun upstairs. Wait-what good could a gun do? Guns kill more people than they do protect them. What? Oh, never mind about guns. And he could still read Charlie's thoughts to see if he was being eaten. And if something somehow did happen, he would be nearby. He decided he would keep a close watch from afar, and open ears for sound.

He had always suspected that Harry Clearwater's Fried Fish was a bit more than _just _'fried fish' anyway.

As they shifted in their awkward graces and steps, Harry and Charlie shifted to the couch. Here, was where they would make sweet, sweeet love for the next three hours or so. Just like they did in the past, before Harry had suffered that final and fatal heart attack and had died so many months ago.

--**end**--

hehe... done! (ooh! look at me! adding exclamation marks to everything i write! oohhh! yay! i'm so exclamation happy!! ohh! and annoying!)  
you might as well go on to chapter two, as you already made it this far. it gets better... SO READ ON!

please I would really love some feedback (good and bad-yup i give unnecessary permission for you to go ahead and flame it)


	2. Edwards Private Hell

Chapter two

Chapter two! I suppose you've survived Chapter One….. Ahhh, but this little piece of hell is just beginning. It will be a monstrosity by the time I'm done with it.

--**Bella's Bedroom**—

Bella and Edward their way up the stairs.  
"Ugh!" Edward steamed his usual frustrated quiet scream.

They opened the door to her room, and Edward threw himself on to Bella's bed. He let out a frustrated and exasperated groan.

"What?" Bella stupidly asked no realizing that her boyfriend and fiancée could read the minds of those who had them. All except the zombies and her.

"Them! I can hear them from up here! My god they're going at it!"  
He was clearly disgusted by the business the old men were going at beneath him.  
He rolled on the bed, shifting his position with frustration.

"Oh. That. ….I forgot about that."

"Of course you did. But can't you hear it?!" Their moans were causing his ears to bleed.

Many things didn't dawn on Bella as quickly as they should have since her last accident. Cars were becoming a problem for Bella's brain's cells. Any more traumas to her brain might kill her, or send her into severe mental impairment-which would be far worse then she is now.

Edward took off his shoe and threw it at her and her stupidity. Lately he found himself doing this more and more.  
It bounced off her head and she let out a quick "Owww!" before she threw it back at him, missing and breaking the window.

"Whoopsie!" she giggled.

"You, my dear are becoming the bane of my existence." He gruffed. It was indeed, the truth. It saddened him that they were no longer the soul mates that they once had been so many months ago.

"Whatevs" another ignorant Bella reply.

"Hey, did you ever call back Mike Newton?"

Edward was trying desperately to block the mental images of the old farts going at it, out of his brain through small talk.

Mike Newton was stalking Bella a lot lately. Via phone was the usual but he would often secretly take her dirty underwear out of her hamper, and trash when she wasn't home as well. Mike Newton was a pervert. He would also call, ask if she wanted to go out or to a movie, and Bella would always reply with the same stupid "Of course! I love Mike. Mike is fun!" Never mind that she was on the phone with 'Mike'.  
But none the less, Edward was usually glad for the times when Mike would take Bella off his hands. It was usually only 2 hours or so, but their relationship seemed less like babysitting that way-at least at Edwards's end of it.

"Naw, his mum asked me to stop calling him" "She said I have been making him too obsessive or something… What's obsessive mean again?"  
Mrs. Newton absolutely despised the way her son acted around Bella. She was disgusted by the very way in which Mike carried himself when just talking about her (which he often did, which he almost always did in his every waking hour). He felt like the high priest to a king or something when talking about his dear, Bella. But he was really a dog. A dog and a slave to her well being.

Bella is the complete opposite of bane in the case of Mile.  
She is becoming his god, and Mike worships the very ground she walks on, despite the fact that she could very well drain him of his blood and kill him in a second.

Edward let out another frustrated groan.

"Damnit!"

"What?"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Images of wrinkly half zombie sex littered Edwards mind.  
He couldn't take it anymore. Edward jumped out the broken window to the tree outside her window.

"Banana cake?" Bella yelled from the second story window.

Bella had pulled a cupcake out of her unusually tiny ass and offered it to him from her window.

It was her only gift as a vampire. She had no super strength, eyesight or hearing, yet she could pull cakes and pastries out of her ass. A lovely gift for all, indeed. She was great to have at picnics. Despite that they didn't usually eat food; the Cullen's did enjoy a nice ass cake from time to time.

"NO GODDAMNIT! SHOVE IT, BELLA!" exasperated, started to bash his head into the tree.  
Bella shoved it back up her butt.

"Up mine!" Bella giggled.

As Edward was smashing his head against the tree's trunk, he was also trying to muffle the sounds of Charlie and Harry groaning and excited squeals.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID WRETCH!!"

"Edward! I love you!" She shouted after him.

She really was becoming the bane of his existence. Oh, when would this nightmare end?  
As Edward bashed his head, he heard something. Suddenly Edward recongized the unmistable sound.  
It was the same sound that haunted him in his nightmares. He turned around and screamed.

--**end**—

Horrendous, right? Well, it doesn't make much sense, but that's what makes it fun! I did enjoy writing it I guess... Eh. Just read chapter 3.  
Suggestions? Comments? (please review, I would really appreciate your opinion-so go ahead and flame it if you wish, I'd rather flames than nothing at all, I would just really like some sort of feedback.)


	3. The Pregnant Chimpanzee

The smell of my deoderent is making me dizzy... Anyway, here it is! Chapter 3! I wrote it in about 5 minutes. ENJOY! (I'm gonna go wash my pitts and eat something now...)

--

He was now facing his worst nightmare. Edward had always had a secret and deathly and irrational fear of chimpanzees. This is probably due to the incident that occurred when he was 6 years old. He was at the zoo with his mother, father and his best-friend-at-the-time, 46 year old Bobby. Bobby was in front of the chimp cage wagging an ice cream cone in front of a beastly looking chimp that the zookeepers had named 'Shoe'. Anyway, Shoe grasped the cone, and then Bobby's arm. It immediately began gnawing at it and in five minutes Bobby was devoured. There was blood everywhere and the only remains of Bobby was his singly, bloody ear.

Edward was never the same.

These thoughts raced thorough Edwards mind. What if he were devoured just like Bobby had been? He screamed in agony as the chimp leapt on to his back. It pounded its fists against him, and Edward began to sob. It hurt so much! He cried for his mother, despite that his mother had been dead a good century.

Bella, watching from the window began to pull ass-cakes from her bottom. She was throwing them at the chimpanzee. Very suddenly and without the slightest idea why, and overally quite out of the blue, she blurted out to Edward "EDWARD! I'M PREGNANT!!"

Edward began sobbing louder. By now it was a full blown tantrum. How could it be? Why?! WHY HIM?!

Charlie heard the ruckus from inside and ran upstairs to grab his gun. Still sporting his tiny little red and sparkly thong, he darted into Bella's room and shot at the chimp. It lay there bleeding out dying until Edward ate it. Charlie started dancing over his victorious murder of yet another animal. Then Edward leapt to Bella's room through her broken window and started spazzing out on the floor. He also sucked his thumb. The thought of a pregnant Bella scared him more than the chimp did. Then, forgetting any trauma the chimp thing had caused, he yelled at her  
"HOW ARE YOU PREGNANT?!"

"I dunno I just am."

"YOU'RE A VAMPIRE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!"

She stared at him. He lessen his tears a bit as he began to question her.

"HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!"

"It's a mommy's intuition." She rubbed her belly and looked away from him.

"But, you're a vampire you stupid girl, it's not even possible! You were changed a few months after we got engaged!! How??"

"Oh, but it is possible, I-I d-don't know-w how-w it happene-d, b-but it did," She said, her voice breaking and stuttering as she said it. She began to sob.

Edward, feeling guilt and pity and dread for himself started to yell with every dramatic note he could hit, complete with hand motions and dramatic poses. "I knew I should have used protection! IF ONLY I HAD WORN A CONDOM!! Why god! WHY?! I JUST KNEW THAT CONSUMMATING OUR LOVE WOULD CREATE AN ABOMINATION DESTROYING ALL PRIOR BELIEFS CONCERNING VAMPIRE SEX! I JUST KNEW WE WOULD MAKE SOMETHING ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE THAT WENT AGAINST ALL CONTRARY FACT!" he shouted and pleaded up to the heavens from his knees.

Upon hearing her heightened sobs he began again, "WHY DIDN'T WE USE PROTECTION?! WHY ME?! WHY US?! IF ONLY...!" and so on, he began to cry.

"Or, OR YOU!" he flamed at her with intense feelings of resentment "YOU SHOULD HAVE USED BIRTH CONTROL, OR, OR YOU SHOULD HAVE... OR, OR, OR DONE... S-SOMETHING!!"

They went back and fourth like that for a good 5 minutes until she added in a broken, "It's not yours."  
Charlie continued to do his happy victory dance, seeming unaware of the snotty and tear-drop ridden scene being played out in front of him.

"What? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT MINE?! IT'S NOT MIKE NEWTON'S IS IT?! OR JACOB BLACK'S? PLEASE TELL ME JACOB BLACK DID NOT FATHER YOUR ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!"

She did not reply. She only looked away at the floor. She saw the shadow approaching the open door. She, despite her lack of brain cells decided it was time to tell him.

"Please Bella, just tell me, please, just WHO'S IS IT?!"

Just then, in an entirely coincidental and unprecedented event, Harry Clearwater walked in.

The zombie moaned in the most exclamatory tone a zombie could manage, "HI EVERYBODY!"

"IT'S HIS!"  
Attempting to hold back her tears, Bella pointed to the decaying and rancid smelling and living corpse standing in her doorway, and began to cry even harder than she had already been.

Edward vomited on the spot.

Charlie, having a taste for vomit stopped dancing and dove to the floor and slurped up all the throw-up he could.  
Bella began vomiting shortly after.

--

this was probably my favorite chapter. can't you tell why?  
reviews appreciated!


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